Furry little karma

So this morning was a perfect example of how mother nature/the cosmic forces of the universe shall smite you when you act up. Earthquakes all around the globe, hurricanes bearing down, human bridges and mines collapsing all over the place, yeah yeah yeah, but I am dealing with the little shit. Quite possibly literally.

So this morning I looked at my box of whole wheat waffles in the freezer, the fruit salad I prepared Monday, and the box of Kashi BFF Super Colon Blow, and decided that I wanted Doritos for breakfast. Cue the inner dialog:
‘you cant eat Doritos for breakfast’
Yes I can, I say so
‘you just went to the grocery store to get good food for you’
But I want Doritos.
‘you’ll be hungry in an hour at work’
I’m an adult, I’m not in a social justice volunteer program that curbs my food budget anymore, I can throw out all green M&Ms, eat popcorn for dinner, and I CAN HAVE DORRITOS IF I WANT THEM. So there, conscience, take that.
‘yeah, remember how you are trying to loose weight?’
Screw it. Cheesy Doritos goodness for breakfast. I win.
‘fine you win. Regret it later.’

So there I was, indulging in doritos and coffee for breakfast as I watched the Today show. I was just going to have a handful, but, of course, I ate my way down to the bottom of the mostly consumed bag. As I am scooping up the crumbs at the bottom, the part that tastes the best, I look down, and alllllll around my shoes there are dorrito crumbs.

Hmmmmm, that’s odd…I don’t remember being that messy….ha ha ha, this totally reminds me of that time 6 years ago when I was eating chips during that volunteer year and as I got to the bottom of the bag and saw a big mess on the floor, and then realized that a mouse had eaten out the bottom corner of the bag, and presumably a bunch of the chips that I was eating. That was the grossest thing ever. I thought I was going….

….wait.

[lift bag of dorritos up. Rotate bag slowly. See neatly nibbled semicircle entrance into bag of dorritos]

Twice. Mother fucking twice. Twice now I have gluttonly eaten chips, shoving handfuls of crumbs into my mouth only to realize that those same crumbs hours before were a swimming pool of food for a vile little mouse.

The next 5 minutes were spent running in circles up and down the stairs trying to decide if I was going to puke, should try to puke, or should try to pretend that this never happened. I settled on not puking, taking 5 mulitvitamins, two Airbornes, and an aspirin that I told myself was a valium. Thought about drinking Listerine, but decided that showing up to work feeling gross and drunk might not be best.

So here’s hoping that I didn’t eat mouse fur, fingernails, and shit for breakfast. And if I did, that swallowing an Airborne while it is still fizzing will knock out any germs bubbling around in my stomach.

Remember that kid who was always a know it all? It was Joanne Beno in grade school, and that is exactly who was laughing in my conscience voice today inside my head.