OK, so when exactly did hearses go out of style? One of the delights of Hopkins is that in order to get to my entrance into the building from the shuttle, I have to walk past the loading dock where they load and unload dead bodies from the morgue. Now, I’m guessing that it is mostly unloading from the morgue, but, this is the ol Johnny Hop, so who knows what kind of pathology experiments they are running on corpses that get delivered here. But, in any case, death must be very popular right now, because I swear those doors have been having more traffic in the past 3 weeks than I have seen there over the past year. And yet the funny thing is, hardly anyone is using hearses. I’ve seen minivans, full size molester vans, a firggen station wagon, and 3 different SUV/Suburban type vehicles.
Now, when I am out driving and I see a hearse, there is always that inner monologue that takes place, “Oh that poor person. That poor family. Is there a procession coming? I should call Grandma” blah blah. There is a certain amount of respect that cars give to an oncoming hearse. You don’t cut them off, you let them make turns, you check to see if they are leading a procession with limos. I suspect a large part of that is the feeling of getting freaked out by the dead body in the car, but there is also the general respect for the dead, and conversely the bloke driving them around. But big ol’ white molester vans with no windows? No one has respect for those on the road. You might steer clear for fear of a ladder falling off a roof rack, but how freaky would it be to have one of those in an accident followed by a casket falling out? Am I wrong for wanting a bit more dignity for a dead parent than a dodge minivan?

I guess all the remaining hearses have been picked up by goth kids.

Anagram voting time!

Chesapeake primary = Earmark Peachy Pies
Mmmmm, delicious!
= Preachier May Speak
Huckabee will come here. bleh.
= Impeaches Payer Ark
But Huckabee will be done after this. yay!
= Appeaser Arm Hickey
McCain will shake so many hands he’ll get a mark. Or
something. whatever.

But the real story.....

Barack Hussein Obama = Has Samurai Backbone
Fantastic! He'll protect us.
= I bake anus cobra hams
Hmmm. I dont like those.

Hillary Rodham Clinton = Charm Any Trillion Hold
Fantastic! Balanced, reduced budget here we come!
= Chlamydia Thorn In Roll
This could be a problem, because no one likes those.

dear paper, envelopes, books and notebooks,

please, PLEASE, stop giving me paper cuts. seriously. this was my 5 paper cut in a week. why? is it some weather thing? does the cold weather drying my hands out make them more
susceptible to your evil slicing? why must you open a gateway into my body? i have gateways already and they are all doing just fine, thank you. now i have 5 different ways to look inside myself to see red and pink. i know i am red and pink inside, because i know we are all red and pink inside because i am enlightened and unracist. so why are you openning me. do you know how hard it is to type the letter "o" with a papercut on your right ring finger? do you know how much it hurts to write "do you know how"? it hurts sooooooo much. that hurt too. ow. fuck, wwwwwww. that is my new way ta type pain.
why are you hurting me paper, envelopes, books, and notebooks? i have a shitload of reading to do for class, and it al involves paper, so stop. so can you just knock it off? ok?
thanks,
me.

Things I learned this week:


1] The answer to all words in the crossword puzzle are either “piss,” “shit,” or “piss shit.” Or rather those are all the answers if you are the woman I sat watching yesterday. As she sat in Union Station’s Au Bon Pain, chewing a pencil, she would shout one of the three as if each time it was revelation, & furiously write her answers in the Express crossowrd.

2] The fusion trend in culinary experiments has led to very bad things. Like my coworker putting chili and cheese on her sushi.

3] My biggest hope for the spring is that American Idol will have a night devoted to The Music of Heart.

Because the world is a wonderful place, my soon-to-be hubby's 84 year old mother loves Kathy Griffin. we saw her perform in Bmore a few weeks ago, and laughed hysterically for hours. hooray, hooraw, she came back into the area with three shows in DC over the past few days, creating the perfect opprotunity to take momma to go see her. a few lessons!

1] no matter how much you prepare youself mentally, there is no way to be comfortable sitting next to an incredibly sweet 84 year old woman while a comedian makes jokes about Barbara Walter's post-menapausal choices in lube
2] i love love love watching really funny people as they start to fall in love. her descriptions of steve wozinak tickled me
3] goddamn the DC queens annoy me. you can spend your life primping and lifting to be as desireable as possible, but when 6 [SIX!] of you bump into an 84 year old woman [espeically one cool enough to like a foul mouthed fag hag comedian] without ONCE saying Excuse Me, Pardon Me, or Why Dont You Go First Ma'am, then i have no use for the lot of you. i'll take the d-list baltimore gays over the A-gay asshats anyday. thank god somehow i managed to find the one DC man with enough manners to please my midwest upbringing.

somethings i should know by now as a clumsy adult, and yet i dont. namely, DESPITE having done it in the past without issue, DESPITE having more in my hands than usual, and DESPITE having already had enough coffee to be awake, i should know better than to put a packet of mayonaise into my pants pocket as i carry my food out of the cafeteria.

ever been in a crowded checkout line, reach into your pocket to grab coins and pull out a handful of goopy white quaters and nickels? dont recomend it.

Furry little karma

So this morning was a perfect example of how mother nature/the cosmic forces of the universe shall smite you when you act up. Earthquakes all around the globe, hurricanes bearing down, human bridges and mines collapsing all over the place, yeah yeah yeah, but I am dealing with the little shit. Quite possibly literally.

So this morning I looked at my box of whole wheat waffles in the freezer, the fruit salad I prepared Monday, and the box of Kashi BFF Super Colon Blow, and decided that I wanted Doritos for breakfast. Cue the inner dialog:
‘you cant eat Doritos for breakfast’
Yes I can, I say so
‘you just went to the grocery store to get good food for you’
But I want Doritos.
‘you’ll be hungry in an hour at work’
I’m an adult, I’m not in a social justice volunteer program that curbs my food budget anymore, I can throw out all green M&Ms, eat popcorn for dinner, and I CAN HAVE DORRITOS IF I WANT THEM. So there, conscience, take that.
‘yeah, remember how you are trying to loose weight?’
Screw it. Cheesy Doritos goodness for breakfast. I win.
‘fine you win. Regret it later.’

So there I was, indulging in doritos and coffee for breakfast as I watched the Today show. I was just going to have a handful, but, of course, I ate my way down to the bottom of the mostly consumed bag. As I am scooping up the crumbs at the bottom, the part that tastes the best, I look down, and alllllll around my shoes there are dorrito crumbs.

Hmmmmm, that’s odd…I don’t remember being that messy….ha ha ha, this totally reminds me of that time 6 years ago when I was eating chips during that volunteer year and as I got to the bottom of the bag and saw a big mess on the floor, and then realized that a mouse had eaten out the bottom corner of the bag, and presumably a bunch of the chips that I was eating. That was the grossest thing ever. I thought I was going….

….wait.

[lift bag of dorritos up. Rotate bag slowly. See neatly nibbled semicircle entrance into bag of dorritos]

Twice. Mother fucking twice. Twice now I have gluttonly eaten chips, shoving handfuls of crumbs into my mouth only to realize that those same crumbs hours before were a swimming pool of food for a vile little mouse.

The next 5 minutes were spent running in circles up and down the stairs trying to decide if I was going to puke, should try to puke, or should try to pretend that this never happened. I settled on not puking, taking 5 mulitvitamins, two Airbornes, and an aspirin that I told myself was a valium. Thought about drinking Listerine, but decided that showing up to work feeling gross and drunk might not be best.

So here’s hoping that I didn’t eat mouse fur, fingernails, and shit for breakfast. And if I did, that swallowing an Airborne while it is still fizzing will knock out any germs bubbling around in my stomach.

Remember that kid who was always a know it all? It was Joanne Beno in grade school, and that is exactly who was laughing in my conscience voice today inside my head.